An open letter to locdog

Subject: An open letter to locdog
From: MichaelRyerson
Date: Feb 3 2006 8:48AM

Well, you're gone. If you're to be believed, one last time, you are now pulling on a uniform every morning. I've decided to post this letter to you now because there were still things to be said but I didn't want to talk to you. Talking to you had ceased being fun a couple of years ago. I'm not going to say good luck nor bon voyage nor thanks, I said all those things the first time you announced your imminent departure, and the second time and I was still saying some of them the third time. By the fourth going away party, I was starting to feel vaguely cheated, my arm sore from throwing confetti, my face tired from smiling that smile of gratitude saved for when the 'boys' go marching by. No, I thought the time had arrived to return the wedding gifts, call back the wedding invitations, cancel the caterer. The wedding was off, locdog was the runaway bride. But now you say you're 'in' and I'm willing to believe you one last time.

If it's true, you've begun to learn a few things you only suspected until now. At 28 you're too old. Doesn't seem fair does it? 28, too old. But the kids will be quicker and will heal faster and you can't do anything about it. Physically, you're going to work your ass off just to stay in the middle of the pack. Get used to it. Your advantage, if you have one, is maturity. You should 'see' things clearer than the kids, should understand the implications before they do. You should get a jump on the ball, a little head start. But just a little one. Don't waste it.

You are now seeing the reality of what 'the service' means in a way you never appreciated before. You raised your hand, took the oath and control of your life passed from your hands to the hands of an absolute stranger and, in some instances, a stranger who does not necessarily have your best interests at heart. You will look up, periodically, and find yourself taking orders from some mouth-breathing fucker who can't cut it on the outside, so he's hiding out in the service and now you're his meat. You'll see your welfare, maybe your very survival, depends on this prick making good decisions and he doesn't look like he could work his way through the menu down at the local Denny's. It will take your breath away.

You are going to see things and places you've only imagined. The reality will surprise you. You'll be struck at how completely different they are. How daydreaming about things, how theorizing, how hearing stories about things is no substitute for doing them. This should broaden you, should soften your view of the world, give you pause when you are ready to argue about what's right and wrong. You should begin to suspect you don't know everything, after all. 'Certainty' will make you uncomfortable. This is what should happen but there are no guarantees. I worry about you, worry about your doctrinaire view of the world. You may come back a renaissance man or a martinet. The issue is in doubt.

And finally, let me make you a promise. You are not forgotten. As control of your life passed into the hands of that stranger, a little corner of that control passed into my hands, too. You see, in a democracy, you are now my responsibility. Of The People, by The People and for The People is not an empty phrase. You are in my 'service'. I will do my best to raise a reasoned and persistent voice in your defense when I think unscrupulous men are unnecessarily placing you in danger. I will hold them accountable. I will be your advocate.

http://fray.slate.com/?id=3936&m=16812522

BOTF interviews Locdog's wife.

Subject: BOTF interviews Locdog's wife.
From: justoffal
Date: Jan 19 2006 4:25PM

BOTF: So Mrs Locdog, we here at BOTF would like to know from you what its like to be the wife of a fray legend. Can you offer us a quick synopsis of a day in the life of Mrs. Locdog??

Mrs. LD: Why sure. I just adore my little locky Docky Doo!. He's so cute when sits at his computer in the morning, still in his super-man pajamas, to post his morning contributions to BOTF. I wish some of you people would try harder to understand what a wonderful man he is. I know he can be a bit disagreeable... like the time he insisted that it was his God-given man's right to fart at the dinner table but we solved that problem with a couple months of wild, unrestrained sex; the way he likes to solve all of his problems.

BOTF: Ahh! yes, the S word! We do have some questions about that! Tell us Mrs. Dog, is it true that er, um, Locky lowers himself into the Bed chamber with an electric shop crane while the stereo blasts the "Anchors Away" theme and declares his love to you as he slowly descends by saying ""I'm coming Mommy!""??????

Mrs. LD: (Blushing a bit) Well...look you have to understand that Locky is a very energetic man and that the crane thing is just...

BOTF: Whoah there Mrs. LD!!! We don't need to know the details, we are just curious as to whether or not the rumors are true.

Mrs. LD: (Shrugging and somewhat embarrassed ) Well I don't know how anyone would even know about...hey, he didn't show you guys any videos did he?????

BOTF: No Dear, but he does do a lot of Bragging.

Mrs. LD: (Now a bit angry) About our sex life??????????

BOTF: Not just about your sex life but also about his own endeavors and abilities.

Mrs. LD: ( Mumbling to herself ) ..abilities hah!

BOTF: What's that Mrs. LD? We can't quite hear you...

Mrs. LD: ..Nothing! ....heh...nothing at all...

BOTF: Well, if you say so dear. May we ask Mrs. LD if there is any one thing that he does that you either like or dislike when it comes to his posting on the fray??

Mrs LD: Well there is one thing.. it happens when he posts...his little seal stands at attention.

BOTF: His little seal????

Mrs. LD: Well yeah, that's what he calls it...his you know...

BOTF: ( Now rolling on the floor with laughter ) His penis???

Mrs. LD: Oh dear, I hope he doesn't find out about this.... he will not be pleased!!!

BOTF: ( Still breathless) So he calls it his little seal??? Why pray tell???

Mrs. LD: I don't really know but he has this little uniform with a beret and a realistic scale model weapons belt that he puts on it. Then he sort of lays back and starts barking orders at it like... "" You are a disgrace Soldier!!! Drop and give me twenty right now!!! and ""We'll be shipping out in the morning you pathetic puke! Be ready or be a failure!!!"" ""Un-ass the AO right now muthafucker and get your butt snorkeling face out of mine you lazy shiftless no account bolo!!!""

BOTF: He actually says those things to his Pe..ahhh I mean to the little seal????

Mrs. LD Yeah he says those things and other things like that that I don't really understand. After about 20 minutes of scolding the little seal, he usually wants to get into the crane harness and well you know.



http://fray.slate.com/?id=3936&m=16679064

how to project a massive inferiority complex:

Subject: how to project a massive inferiority complex:
From: locdog
Date: Jun 24 2005 1:23PM

1. play games with other posters. don't tell anyone it's a game. afterward, post on who won.

2. perform "experiments" in the fray. again, don't tell anyone they're being tested. offer your results along with a summary judgment.

3. whine perpetually about the injustice of the fray editor, the star system, the check system, cliques, the good old days, liberal domination of boards, conservative domination of boards, the absence of quality posters, and the price of rice.

4. carry on pointless, long-running flamewars with posters that every other poster in the fray has long since dismissed as an idiot.

5. treat the board as though it's a therapy group and the people in here actually know who you are or give a rip about what happens to you, i.e., be sure to spam us with every breakup, breakdown, breakfast, job interview, sexual encounter, failed assassination attempt, snag in your pantyhose, case of foot fungus, and goldfish death you may encounter.

did locdog leave anything out?

http://fray.slate.msn.com/?id=3936&m=14951802

i don't need to prove anything

Subject: oh please. i don't need to prove anything to
From: locdog
Date: May 9 2002 1:56PM

you or anything else. i'm entering the military because of what i believe, and that's enough for me. i'm sure i'll find lots of ways to avoid danger as a carrier-based fighter pilot, which is what i'm going for. nice safe duty, that.

locdog has been accepted into flight school and will be departing when he's finally got his degree

http://fray.slate.msn.com/?id=3936&m=3534570

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Subject: who says i've never served a day?
From: locdog
Date: Oct 17 2002 6:59AM

i'm nrotc on temporary deferral. if there's a war, i'll likely be activated. how bout you?

locdog

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Subject: so...that's it?
From: locdog
Date: Jul 15 2005 7:35PM

not much in the way of a response to offer you, but i'll give an observation:

flame wars are like occupations: they're all about winning hearts and mines. while my offerings were succinct, clever, and damn funny (if i do say so myself) yours have become progressively creepier with each iteration. seriously, you sound...unhealthy. a bit unhinged even. i mean, you've got the rabid locdog haters on board but to ape jerry mcguire cum dr. evil, you had them at hello *tear*. honestly, i think you're just making everyone else a little uncomfortable.

in case you actually care, i am enlisted through the delayed entry program (DEP), my grade is E-3, and my ship date is february 1, 2006. that probably seems like a long way off to you, but then, the biggest physical challenge you're going to face in the next year is getting your fat ass off the couch to go and bang out another half-crazed loc-hating screed. if you start getting chest pains take an aspirin and call an ambulance.

will i be a SEAL? God knows. a friend has gotten me in contact with some people who are uniquely qualified to assist me as i prepare and that assistance has been and should continue to be productive, but it always seems like there's a long way to go. i think that's probably a good thing.

make or not, though, i'll have played my hand with the best of them. you will remain a humorless, vindictive little man who should have had the sense to know a good one when he saw it, responded magnanimously, and thus possibly even gained the upper hand. instead you've punched yourself out, and i now push you over with a whimper, not a bang. you've been rope-a-doped. i leave you to lick your wounds in peace. the last word is yours, if you like.

http://fray.slate.msn.com/?id=3936&m=15140951

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