26 January 2005

IOZ interviews the Intelligent Designer

Subject: IOZ interviews the Intelligent Designer
From: IOZ
Date: Jan 26 2005 8:48AM

IOZ: Good evening, God, and welcome to The Deity's Studio.
INTELLIGENT DESIGNER: Good evening, IOZ. And please, don't call me God.
IOZ: You'd prefer... Hashem?
ID: No, IOZ. I'm not God. I'm the Intelligent Designer.
IOZ: Well, we hate to quibble with our deities on TDS, but wouldn't a supernatural force capable of the creation of the entire universe, by its very nature, be a God.
ID: Not necessarily, IOZ. I could be, for instance, a supremely powerful metaphysical industrial designer.
IOZ: Are you?
ID: I'm afraid I can't say.
IOZ: You can't say what you are?
ID: You act like this interview is all about me.
IOZ: It is all about you.
ID: Well, IOZ, that's a funny way of looking at it. Because I'd say that I'm competely irrelevant. Why, I'm nothing more than a perfectly logical conclusion.
IOZ: Interesting. Would you care to elaborate for the audience?
ID: Surely. You see, IOZ, there are two kinds of things in this universe--
IOZ: Only two?
ID: Yes, only two: complex things and simple things. And we observe that all complex things are the result of design. A car, for instance, is the product of design. A toaster oven is designed. A scanning tunneling electron microscope [ist-socrates.berkeley.edu] is designed. So it stands to reason that life forms, which are the most complicated things in the universe, were designed as well.
IOZ: Wow, good point! So what about the simple things.
ID: Pardon me?
IOZ: Well what's an example of something that wasn't designed? How about this rock. Here we are. This rock. A big, dumb, rock. Clearly, not designed.
ID: No, no, I... I designed that rock as well.
IOZ: Oh. Well, how about this bouncy ball. Stupid, rubber bouncy ball.
ID: No, IOZ, that was designed by a person, who was designed by me.
IOZ: Man oh man. This is tough. Well, what is an example of something that wasn't designed.
ID: I couldn't think of one of the top of my head, IOZ, but I can get back to you on that.
IOZ: Hmmm... how about a cockroach?
ID: No, cockroaches were designed.
IOZ: A cloud.
ID: No, that was designed too.
IOZ: Well, I'm stumped. It seems like everything was designed. That's what I hate about life today, nothing is simple.
ID: Ain't that the truth.
IOZ: So who designed you?
ID: No one. I'm the first cause.
IOZ: I thought that was Archimedes.
ID: I think you mean Aristotle. Isn't it funny, by the way, how Aristotle was wrong about spontaneous generation but oh-so right about the prime mover.
IOZ: A laff-riot, I say. So, you weren't designed. That means you're not complex.
ID: That's not what my wife would say!
IOZ: Ahahah! Oh, Designer, man, you slay me.
ID: Thanks. I'm not really married.
IOZ: Okay, now, I've got a question. Whenever my computer breaks, I can call the help desk. So, who do I call if my kitten breaks.
ID: Um... we're working on that.
IOZ: You don't have tech support?
ID: Not yet. But, it's coming.
IOZ: Man, is that a gyp. Cause I haven't been able to get my kitten to turn on for like three weeks, and she's starting to smell kind of funny.
ID: Sorry to hear that. We'll put you on the mailing list, ok?
IOZ: Sounds good. The other thing is, I have this vermiform appendix, and I think that was a mistake. Do you have a complaints department?
ID: We're planning an online suggestion box, where you can submit your questions and complaints via email.
IOZ: Wow, you've thought of everything. It's a tight ship you run.
ID: Thanks. We do our best.
IOZ: Now, here's a question from the audience: "Mr. Designer, what positive evidence do you have that life was designed?"
ID: Haha... isn't my word good enough for your audience?
IOZ: Hahah! Good point. After all, if the Designer could Design all life, then surely he's telling the truth about having designed all life. Here's another: "Mr. Designer, What is your opinion of Hume?"
ID: What a sonofabitch! Plus, he owes me money.
IOZ: I agree. Every time we had our poker game, he'd get in the hole and I'd have to spot him some cash. So then he came over one day, and I was like, Davey, I'm not gonna spot you any cash today. And he was like, IOZ, I'm not going to ask you for cash. And I was like, Davey, you always need cash, and today's not going to be any different. And then he's like, But IOZ, past observations of actions don't imply future persistence of those actions. And I'm like, Davey, why are you always impugning my causal reasoning? And he's like, Causes and effects are independent events, and you can't arrive at causal explanations using a priori reasoning, but only through experience. And I'm like, Fuck that, I experienced you asking me for money because you're a shitty card player! And he's like, Well, experience is no good, because we can always conceive of change in nature, and so past observation is insufficient. Goddamnit! I said.
ID: Man, I hear ya. What a piece of work. Plus, he was always going on about the scales falling from my eyes or some shit like that.
IOZ: What a lame-o.
ID: Yeah. Well, there's one in every crowd.
IOZ: Okay, so, to sum up, everything was created but some things were more created than others.
ID: Sure.
IOZ: Well, we have time for one more question. We'll take another from the audience. An audience member writes: "Mr. Designer, Isn't it preposterous circular logic to take as a given the very thing you purport to prove? How can you call design a definitional precondition for complexity and then claim that complexity is therefore proof of design?"
ID: Well, you see--
IOZ: Oh, look, we're out of time! Sorry! Thanks, Designer.
ID: My pleasure.
IOZ: Tune in next week, for our exclusive interview with the reclusive Jackalope [www.dickinson.edu]!

Roll Credits.

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