01/23/2010, 3:33 PM #
A screenplay by Schmutzie.
Directed by Alan Smithee.
Setting- Fairplay, Colorado. The year is 1867.
Davey- A lonely poet who lives in the hills. Married 9 times, Davey is growing increasingly dissatisfied with the women in his life.
Deanna- An elderly divorced school teacher who spends her days teaching creative writing to the children of the town in a one-room schoolhouse. At night, she goes to the Spittoon Saloon and flirts with men. She has a fondness for Civil War veterans.
Dr. Archie O'Donnelly- One of Colorado's leading scientists. A recently released book by a man named Darwin has changed Archie's life. He finds himself ostracized by the Church of Fairplay, and he has come under attack by the local preacher during his Sunday sermons.
Father Joey Vittles XII- The 12th Vittles to serve as Fairplay's preacher, Joey teaches the people of Fairplay that the Holy Bible is the one true word, and that anyone who disagrees with him will be struck down with smallpox, then the plague, then rickets, then scurvy, and then finally he says, "You will burn in hell!"
Judge Frank Early- A man who has very little patience for the people of Fairplay, whom he sees mainly as a bunch of rubes. He dispenses justice with a fair hand, and spends his off hours hunting the elusive coyotes.Hangin' Frank they call him, and it is said that he once sentenced a man to 60 days for farting in court. Frank likes to go commando under his robe.
Myra Deepwell- A crusader for justice who dispenses free legal advice. Deepwell's efforts in cases like Deepwell v Illinois in 1873, and later her appeal to the US Supreme Court pave the way for women lawyers everywhere. Despite losing both cases, she presses on and becomes the first woman admitted to Illinois bar in 1892, before moving back to Fairplay where she eventually is elected Mayor. She enjoys riding horses and playing something she calls "lawn tennis," a sport she discovered while traveling on the Continent.
Marshall Ike Darrow- A wry sort of man, with a quick gun and quicker wit. He doesn't enjoy the killin', but his skill has forced him into the job. He'd rather out-argue than outdraw, but the local cemetery is littered with the corpses of those who chose to draw down on him. He used to work at the gypsum mill, and his paper on desulfurization caused a change in the industry. Ike grew bored with gypsum, and took up law enforcement after selling the copyrights to his gypsum deselfulization paper to Henry Bryan, owner of a small Minnesota mining company.
Jimmy Laredo- An old, dimwitted, pot-bellied gunslinger who has seen better days. Once the 317th fastest gun in Texas, he now spends most of his days eating beef jerky, and his nights flirting with Deanna at the Spittoon. He hates Marshall Darrow, and has sworn he's going to gun him down. Jimmy hasn't seen his penis nor his toes in 15 years, and his XXXXL gun-belt was custom made by the local saddle maker.
Jenny Laredo- Jimmy's wife.
Western Belle- The local madam. Belle runs an honest brothel, and makes a pretty penny on the side playing cards with the drunks at the Spittoon. She has recently emptied the pockets of Jimmy with a royal flush to his pair of threes. She knew he was bluffing the whole time.
Morning Dove- Formerly one of Belle's girls, who traded her black lace garters for a pair of overalls. Dove is the the first woman west of the Mississippi to own 4000 acres, and spends most of her time raising horses. Recently wed, Dove is a no-nonsense type, who will kick a man in the balls if he calls he "darlin'"
Dr. Jay- The Fairplay physician and Morning Dove's husband. The townfolk call him Rambunctious J. He specializes in treating gunshot wounds, but also believes that the "human mind is capable of amazing healing power." Davey the lonely poet likes to throw rocks through Dr. Jay's office windows out of spite and envy. (Davey longs for the attention of Morning Dove.)
Michael Masterson- A Civil War vet who carries with him dark memories of the conflict. He longs for peace and quiet, and lives in a ranch on the outside of town with his wife. He is the object of Deanna's almost obsessive attention, but wants no part of that. He is a married man, who is faithful to his wife. To him, honesty is everything.
Helen- A deeply disturbed woman who lives in a small cabin with 13 cats. The only time Helen comes out of her cabin is to shout obscenities at the passing stagecoach.
Tupelo Tom- A transplant from Mississippi who runs the local eatery. His recipe for flank steak is kept in a strong box in Marshall Darrow's office. Tom is a deeply spiritual man, who believes in tolerance of all faiths, and is therefore hated by Joey Vittles XII. Vittles has condemned Tupelo Tom to hell, which caused Tom to pray for Joey Vittles.
Keistus- The Fairplay blacksmith. A man with the power to crush a human skull with his bare hands, but who uses his power for good. Keistus lives with his wife and daughters, and enjoys trips to the seashore. Since the seashore is 2 weeks away by coach, Keistus looks forward to his first train ride on the newly laid Overland Route.
Nomo Isonista- A latin beauty who writes for the Fairplay Fair Player. Her 5 part series on outdoor living and recreation won the Colorado Outdoor Living and Recreation Award for outstanding writing. Nomo loves her family, travels extensively, and enjoys swimming in the nude. Her moonshine is said to be useful for removing rust from wagon wheel axles.
Smithers- A local farmer who built a log cabin using only his hands. His tomatoes are much sought after, and it is said that the hemp dungarees he makes can also be used as heating fuel. Once a year the entire town of Fairplay (except for Jimmy Laredo who has never been invited) puts on their finest and turns up at Smithers' cabin for "BLT Day." Smithers serves up what he calls "Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwiches" and mason jars full of Isonista's moonshine before the big square dance. It's always the event of the year.
Lobo- A transplant from the Arizona Territory. Nobody knows much about Lobo, although he has an abiding love of his country and looks forward to trips into the mountains with his family. He had an eye shot out in the Mexican-American War and was an original signer of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.
Monducmo- The bartender and owner of the Spittoon. Keeps a sawed off shotgun under the counter. Never cuts his booze. Once was asked the difference between whiskey and whisky to which he replied "Whiskey is Hibernian and whisky is hibernating in Scotland. Have an Irish whiskey here, or have a whisky there."
Seamus O'Dublin- Writer and cooper. His barrels are said to be the finest on earth, and he ships butter churns, hogsheads, firskins, rundlets and puncheons to places as far away as China and Johannesburg. Quality is his trademark, and it is said that he will smash a hogshead if it's off by so much as a quarter of an imperial gallon. His writing is his passion along with his family, and woe to any man who threatens either. Legend holds that he once held a hungry wolverine at bay for two days using a single barrel stave,.. at one point in the standoff his father sipped a pint of Guinness and asked "What's taking so long? This procrastination is postively criminal ya gobshite. Kill the damned thing and let's eat!"
Tartan Tim- The editor of the Fairplay Fair Player
Shocked Quartz- One of Belle's girls.
Heartful Gold- Another of Belle's girls.
Brilliant Blondie- Golden haired owner of the dry goods store.
Thank Goddness- One of Ike's trusted deputees.
Don Toronto- Transplanted Canadian fur trapper
Elizabeth "Bitty" Tweet- Author and part-time bouncer at the Spittoon.
Jackson Dee- One armed lawyer who defends horse thieves and cattle rustlers.
Dr. Nome- Fairplay dentist, Alaskan transplant who left in protest of Seward's Folly.
Sorvus- Stagecoach driver
Simon Freud- Fairplay treasurer, and poker dealer at the Spittoon.
Schmalz- The town carpenter
Act I- A dark, run down cabin on the hill. Davey looks into a broken mirror.
Davey- I hate you.
(Davey puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger. The gun misfires. Davey begins crying.)
Act II- Late night at the Spittoon. Smoke filled room. Keistus is playing rags on an old upright piano with several missing keys.
Jimmy Laredo- I'm tellin' ya Lincoln had it comin'! Next thing ya know them darkies'll be a votin'. Hiya hot britches. What's yer name?
Monducmo- You ever going to pay yer tab Jimmy?
Jimmy- My wife has all my money. I'll get you next time. C'mere Deanna. Anyone ever tell you that you've got beautiful eyes?
Deanna- Oh Jimmy. You are such a gentleman. How about you do that thing for me tonight?
Jimmy- If I told ya once I told ya a hunnert times, I don't do that.
(Deanna walks away dejected. Ike Darrow enters. Jimmy stares at him with fire in his eyes.)
Ike- (sniffing the air)- I swear Jimmy, if I didn't know better I'd think we were in the midst of a desulfurization run. Dear god man, don't you ever bathe?
Jimmy- I took me a bath on Monday you rascal. If I wasn't wearin' my Sunday go-to-meetin' pants I'd take you outside and teach you a thing or two.
(Jenny Laredo enters the bar and sees her slovenly husband flirting with Deanna. She runs out crying.)
Jimmy (to Deanna)- Aw don't worry 'bout that one. She'll get over it. I keep her fed n' watered. I'm a fine upstandin' husband by my definition. Gimme a kiss honey...uh, you did gargle right?
(Jimmy sees Ike turn away and, intending to shoot the Marshall in the back reaches for his gun. His arms can't reach that far, and his fingers dangle at his side a good 8 inches from his holster.)
(Seeing this in the mirror behind Monducmo, Ike wheels around and draws his Colt.)
(Jimmy pisses his pants, a smelly yellow pool forming between his boots. Keistus stops playing and, expecting a shootout, dives behind the piano.)
Ike- Seem to be coming up a bit short there Jimmy. Why don't you back away real slowly, and I won't shoot you full the dense, ductile, very malleable element known as lead.
(Ike smiles and walks up to the bar. He sits down on one of the fine oak O'Dublin bar stools.)
Ike- Whiskey if you please, and send one to the carpenter over in the corner.
(Monnducmo delivers the whiskey to Schmalz, and tells him it's from Ike. Schmalz looks over at Ike and nods his appreciation. They hoist their glasses and toast from across the room.)
To be continued....