Midnight In The Garden Of Eden
02/12/2009, 9:20 PM #
Oct. 23, 4004 BC - somewhere in the Middle East
Chapter 1 - God Gets Creative
And God said, "Let there be light." And there was light. And God saw that it was good, because that trick had never worked before.
The earth was without form, and void, so God separated the waters from the dry land, because that was the only way to create a beach. And God saw that it was good, because now he could catch some rays.
And God created the beasts of the field. And God saw that it was good, for now he could barbecue.
But God was lonely, so he created a man and a woman, to keep him company. And God saw that it was very good - especially the woman.
But the man and the woman paired off, which pissed God off and made him into a jealous God. So God stopped creating, because he figured he deserved a break.
Then God took the two best trees in the world and built a little fence around them. "Look", he said to the man (let's call him Adam, even though that's not his real name), "That tree there - it's got really healthy fruit. Eat that, and you'll live forever." Adam nodded, for Adam was a gullible sort. "And that tree there - it will make you really, really smart." "Wow", said Adam,"Thanks a lot."
"Not so fast" said the Lord (as He liked to call Himself sometimes). "You can't have them. Those are just for me."
"Godamnit." muttered Adam under his breath. "What was that?". "Oh, nothing, Lord, I was just saying what a wonderful planet...uh...this is. Thanks."
Now the woman (let's call her Eve just for old time's sake), when she heard`about the trees, was, as is always the way with women, disappointed in her man. "You've got to stand up for yourself. Be a man. You go right now and tell God that you're going to eat whatever you want."
"Uh, yeah", said Adam. "I'll tell Him the next time I see Him." And he went off into the forest to kill something.
Eve had no intention of following anbody's orders, so she went right to the one Adam called The Tree That Makes You Really, Really Smart, grabbed a piece of fruit, and took a bite.
As Eve was enjoying her tasty snack, a snake slithered down the branch and crawled up her arm. "Hi, Eve.", said the snake. "Whoa", said Eve, "I thought this fruit was supposed to make me smart." Obviously, Adam had paired up with her for her looks, which were spectacular, at least in comparison to everything else.
When Adam came back, empty-handed as usual, Eve was feeling pretty mellow for a change. "Doooood", she called out, "Check this out." and gave him some of the fruit. Adam ate it, and he noticed that Eve was naked. Then, somehow, he was naked, too, and he saw that it was good. Very, very good.
Chapter 2 -- God Gets Mad
by Fritz Gerlich
02/12/2009, 11:16 PM #
God was walking in the Garden in the cool of the evening. It's not clear why He didn't have air-conditioning in heaven; maybe it broke. Anyway, when God went walking in the Garden, He liked to have somebody to listen to Him, approve of His opinions, and hang on His every word. In fact, He had created Adam precisely for that.
On this particular evening, God couldn't find Adam. "Adam, Adam," He called. "Where are you, boy?" But Adam did not come. Nor could God see Eve anywhere. He looked and looked, until it had gotten dark and downright chilly. He was was getting rather pissed off. He wanted to go home and have a drink. "They never wandered before," God thought. Then a thought suddenly struck Him: "I wonder if they're in heat?"
Then He remembered that there was a neat little cave behind the waterfall, and He thought, "I'll bet those little fuckers are rolling around in there!"
He hurried off to the waterfall (God can see in the dark), and sure enough, there they were. Adam was breathing heavily and saying, "Did you come, baby?" Eve's eyes were glowing and she said, "Yeah, baby, but as soon as you're ready again . . ."
"Adam!!" roared God. "Where art thou?"
Adam tried to hide in the back of the cave. But God yelled, "You better come outta there, boy! I'm gonna whup the livin daylights out of you! Take your medicine like a man!" So Adam came out timidly and said, "I . . . was naked, so I was afraid."
"Who told you you were naked?" demanded God.
"Aren't I?" asked Adam. "I think she is, too."
"I didn't plan to breed you two right now, you pup!"
"I'm not a pup, sir. I think she can vouch for that."
"You've made her a fallen woman!" bellowed God.
"It's the other way around, sir," said Adam. "Unless I'm very much mistaken, I'm now a fallen man. And it was all her idea. I would have been content to go on playing with myself, but she said the snake showed her something really amazing she wanted to try with me. And, sir, with all due respect, it is really amazing."
"Because you have done this, you shall die the death!"
"Well, I'm sorry to hear that, sir. But the thing is . . . here was something we hadn't known about, and it was, well, really wonderful. So how do I know this 'death' isn't something wonderful, too?"
"I'm cursing you, you nitwit! When God curses, you'd better be afraid!"
"I don't see how being afraid would help now, sir," said Adam. "Isn't it pretty much up with us anyway? If we're going to die the death and all?"
"I will not logic-chop with My Own creation!"
"Why not, sir? You really ought to be willing to try new things. You might find it was really wonderful, just like . . . we did."
"Cover your nakedness, you bloody lout!"
"Actually, I'd been thinking about that already. You see, every time I look at her I get, well, You know, and it's the same with her. If we didn't cover ourselves, we might do it till we dropped. I've been thinking that, like most good things, it's probably best enjoyed in moderation."
"I'll give you commandments, young man! You'll do what I command!"
"I suppose it might have worked that way, sir, if the snake hadn't tipped us off to this. The problem is, now that we've disobeyed You once, I'm not sure we can keep from doing it again. There's this strange feeling in me--and I think in her, too--of regret, but also of acceptance. If it was going to happen sooner or later anyway--and I'm sure it would have, I can't imagine why we didn't think of it before--then it might as well happen now."
"Out! Out! Out!"
"We'll go, sir."
"No! Just you! She stays!"
"Are you sure you really want that, sir? You may as well know that the snake told her about babies, too. We know where they come from, now. And we're very sure there will be babies. I'm thinking that, if she's going to be having babies, she needs a husband. And I haven't seen any other animals around here that look like husband material. For her sake, sir--let her stay with me."
"Well, young lady," demanded God. "is that what you want? To marry this good-for-nothing?"
Eve nodded silently, reaching for Adam's hand.
"Very well," said God. "But I'm disinheriting you both. If you don't want to listen to your Father in Heaven, you can just take care of yourselves and see how you do on your own. I'm betting you'll both come sniveling back in a few centuries, saying, 'O, forgive us, teach us Your ways!' And I will, all right! I'll give you a religion--not a nice, pretty nature-religion, but a real wild-eyed Nobodaddy cult, full of anger and fear and violence! That'll teach you!"
"OK," said Adam, looking at Eve. "But until then . . ."