08 October 2008

Fray Bash: 2011

Fray Bash: 2011
by Schmutzie
10/08/2008, 3:18 PM

Wrigley Field
Right Field Bleachers above the 368' mark

....around tea time.

"Hey Bud here!!! Cold Bud!!!" drones the vendor as he stares out at the sea of faces....."Cold Bud!!!!"

"Do you have any Brunello,...or maybe a nice chianti?"
"Fuck off wise guy.....Cold Bud!!!! Hey Bud here!!!"
"You know, they used to carry bottles of beer around in a metal box and the guy would thwap thwap thwap the lid to get attention."
"You wanna a fuckin' beer or not?"
"Sure, gimme 8 of your $22.50 beers. Here's two hundred, keep the change."
"Fuck off."

"You say that word a lot."

"Which word?....Here pass these down to those guys....ZB doesn't drink, but Switters gets two. Oh FUCK YOU!!!! That ball was 6" off the plate! FUCK!!!! Kerry Wood sucks!!! ....Which word?"

"Fuck. Why do you say it so much?"

"I do?"

"Yes. And you don't need to. It diminishes your message.It offends people."

"I didn't say it to you."

"You didn't have to."

"I appreciate your input Ink, I never really thought about it. Look at this asshole in right field. I saw Clemente stand in that same spot in '69. He was beautiful. Just a gorgeous guy to watch play the game. Hey Fukudome!!!! You suck dick!!! How dare you patrol the same ground as Clemente!!! EAT SHIT!!!!!"

"Why are you yelling at the Cubs?"

"I switched sides back in the late 20th century. Gave up on the Cubs after 40 years. SOX fan now. Hey Soriano!!!, you couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a banjo!!!"

"So why are we here?"

"I love this place. Hey Ramirez!!!!! ....I saw you wife last night out on Broadway!!!! ....What's a DIRTY SANCHEZ?????"

"What was that?"

"Switters, quit looking at the chicks for a minute....hey!!....skitch..... slap him for me...."


"What time is it?"

"You mean right now?"

"You frickin' stoner....pass that down here.....yes, what time is it right now?"

"It's right up there on top of the scoreboard. See it? Big round green thing with two white arrows pointing to the numbers. Big hand 12....little hand.....4....."

"Goddamn this is good....big hand what?...where'd you get this? Can I buy some?...wait a minute....it's 4 O'Clock? What time are we supposed to be in our tuxes?"

"Gobshite. The nups are mid-eve. We have.....we have to go."

And now, singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" are two Chicago icons, so let's give a big 7th inning stretch welcome to the stars of the new series "We Like Us", John Cusack and Jim Belushi!!!!


"You better get him out of here."

"Thanks officer, we were just leaving."

"What better time to leave than now ? ...scuse me....pardon me...Those two asshats don't have a spot of talent between them. ...scuse me ....sorry.....scuse me...BOOOO!!!!!! BOOOOO!!!!! CUSACK AND BELUSHI SUUUUCCCCKKK!!"

"Down in front!"

"Shut-up lady. Oh, you're not a lady? Sorry."

"Let's go guys. Security wants you to leave."

"I love watching the Cardinals play here."

"The Cardinals suck as bad as the Cubs Arch. Let's get out of here."

"They just threw us out of here."

"We were leaving anyway."

3700 Block of North Sheffield Ave.

"Oh taxis.Taxis!! We'll be needing two taxis please!."

"They'll never pull over if you call them like that. Jesus man, this is Chicago. Fu...I mean screw the taxis skitch, I know this guy in the limo. He'll take us."

"Hey Leo!!! How are ya? Need a ride over to the Swissotel, and then back to Holy Name. How much?"

"Two hundred and the rest of that thing you're holding...."

"Deal, Switters....we need another one....."

"Holy Name? On a Saturday? Whatcha doin' there?"

"Big wedding. We're the groomsmen. If we're late the bride is going to kick each and every one of us in the balls. She'll do it too. I'm serious."

"Nice car. What's in these decanters?"

"Shit Keifus, it's a ten minute ride."

"Time enough for at least two, pass the ice bucket."

Ten minutes later

"Hey Armstrong. We're just going to run inside and change into our tuxes. Leo can wait here can't he?"


"Hey Schad, give Armstrong 20 bucks and hurry up."

"TWENTY BUCKS???? American?"

"You know the difference between a canoe and a Canuck Schad? A canoe occasionally tips. Give him 20 bucks and shut yer yap ya cheap bastard Jeopardy geek....Hurry up!"

"It occurs to me that we've pressed our luck on the issue of time, resulting in the harried state in which we currently find ourselves. A more prudent approach would have been to forgo the Wrigley Field excursion and focus on..."

"Shut the fuck up Ink and push the elevator button."

20 minutes later

"Hey Schad, you look good in a tux. You're going to be serious eye candy for butterscotch and chango. Oh, and next time, the cummerbund goes around your waist, and the bow tie goes around your neck."

"Who are you to talk? You look exactly like that wanker Brosnan, only bald and unattractive. Bolluxed up the whole program with that Wrigley shite you did. She's going to put some leg into it when she crumbles your nads ya gobshite."

"I knew we never should have put him in charge of the schedule. He's a complete moron. I would have allocated the time in a way..."

"Hey Schad. Has anyone told you to shut the fuck up today?"

"Nobody with an IQ over 60....so that leaves you."

"The fuck are you giggling about Leo? Shut up and drive. Switters, quit screwing around with the radio and make us some drinks.....Switters.....hey!!!­.....aw screw it, Keifus do the honors..."

10 minutes later
Sidewalk outside
Holy Name Cathedral
North State St.

"Wow. Look at this church!"

"Best in the city. Hef's daughter tied the knot here. Wait til you see
the inside. It's amazing."

Bride approaches stealthily

"Ow FUCK!!!!"

"You had it coming you dumb son-of-a-bitch. How dare you show up late. The photographer...my mother.....Judge Gerlich...."

"Did you have to kick me in the balls? Why don't you kick the rest of them in the balls?"

"They're innocent."

"Yeah, we're innocent."

"Shut up Keifus! That pack of degenerates? They're innocent? The tuxes fooled you? That Rogue's Gallery hasn't been innocent since the doctor smacked them on their spotty collective ass. What kind of shoes are those?"

2 minutes later

"Okay, everyone ready? Smile."


Goddamnit, I blinked right when he took the picture, I'm going to look stoned.

10 minutes later

Wow. She's got some hot friends on her side of the church, and these bridesmaids look seriously good. Topazz and Rundeep...yummy. Hope the Cubs lost...Fielding's family looks like a bunch of Canadian accountants. Left foot...together ...right foot.....together...left foot.....why does bite keep smoothing down the back of her dress?

......left....together....righ­t...together.....Aw man the mother of the bride is just beautiful.....

....smile....nod....left...tog­ether....right....look at all the people!...is that Ryerson sitting with....no it can't be.....is that Appy in the gold tux?...was he extradited or did he slip past border security?.....hmm...that must be ellen over there in the corner.....no clique for her....how in the hell is the Green Mill going to hold all these people..... looks like every Frayster made the trip........holy smokes....look at that....the bride is radiant, and knows how to kick a guy in the nuts.....she's a 5 tool player....the total package...he's a lucky man...

And Fritz Gerlich motions to the congregation.....who respond by taking their seats in the old wooden pews of the historic Chicago cathedral......I glance out at the crowd, and see every frayster I've ever known, dressed in their finest,.....and smiling.

God my balls hurt.

"Dearly beloved....we are gathered here today to join this woman and this man in holy matrimony......"

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