Subject: If They Mated
Date: Sep 13 2005 10:13AM
The other day an unnamed poster (andkathleen) made an offhand comment that she would no longer bear the children of another poster. Leaving aside for a moment the question of whether she has already done so, this concept fired up two or three neurons in the old thinking machine and I wondered just what the progeny of such a union would be like. I resolved to explore the question in a bit that I have shamelessly stolen from Conan O'Brien that he likes to call: If They Mated!
The premise of this bit is that we here at "If They Mated" headquarters have a device that lets us sample the digital DNA of any two Fraydenizens and find out through the magic of technology the precise results of their genetic union. When two Fraysters are seen associating with one another, we the readers have a right to know what may happen should their libidos over come their better sense. We perform this function as a public service. Just remember, this is all in fun, so if it offends anyone, well, that's the bleedin' point, innit?
switters & andkathleen
Some threshold of switical mass is exceeded whenever the switster and ampkath wander within pheromone range of one another (get a chatroom, you two!), and the occasion is frequently marked by the detonation of a flirty bomb. Of course, andkathleen would probably be the first to tell you that she's pretty dang flirty with just about everyone when she's been nippin' at the ol' Guinness (and even when not!). But she can't do the whole friggin' Fray (she's not Amber after all), so let's just focus on switters, shall we?
Offspring: Sweetlee - The first poster to achieve an advanced degree in Tivology, Sweetlee can dissertate with dexterity on any topic from the most sacred to the most profane. Plus she's cute as a button (or "reghot" as the kids today like to say). Equally comfortable discussing the symbolism of Victorian poetry, the evolution of fusion jazz and its influence on modern rap, or which bitch should get the rose on the next episode of "The Bachelor," she will mostly be remembered for being the first to coin the word "cuntard."
Ender & Tempo
Now we all know this will never happen (anyone seen the 5-day weathercast for Hell lately?). But just for the sake of argument, suppose some evil genius releases a DNA-specific retrovirus targeting not_Ender (or not-ender) and the literal-minded bugger (get it?) mistakenly kills everyone who's not Ender except for Tempo because she is immune by virtue of being fed up with Ender. Hey, it could happen! It would then be incumbent on these two to repopulate the earth, right? RIGHT?? Work with me, people! So what would the resulting fruit of the loins (tm) be like, hmm? Enquiring minds want to know!
Offspring: Tender - this hapless poster would offend herself [note to self: maybe "Offender" is a better name] every time she posted something, relentlessly and endlessly taunting, rebutting, and defending herself [hmm, "Defender?"] before ultimately melting down in a runaway chain reaction of posting. A sizeable minority of Fraysters, equally offended by Tender's gamesmanship, would be taken out as collateral damage (some of them by friendly fire). The FrayEditor would then memorialize her MBTU by renaming it HereLiesSheWhoseNameMustBeRemembered. [possibly Pretender, dead-ender (thanx Rummy), big-spender, FenderBenderMender, RenderUntoSeizeHer, Return_To_Sender...]
Hauteur & kevinarno
C'mon! We've all seen the movies and read the books, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more! We all know that wherever we see contempt we can find passion lurking just beneath the surface if only we would take the time to poke it with a sharp stick. Far be it from me to pass up a good poke when I see it!
Offspring: Provocateur - This power-mad irresistible force of unadulterated ego wields the flush user function with gusto rivaling that of Jason swinging his machete, leaving behind him the bleeding lifeless (and MBTU-less) husks of those with the temerity to disagree.
denny & Robo_Editor
This pairing is legitimate fodder by virtue of their shared automaton-like qualities. Plus it's my bit and I say so. Neener neener.
Offspring: [insert random nic of the week here] - This poster is the poster boy for persistent posting, the first authentic example of a wholly automated posting engine with a source database equal in size to the internet itself. If you should accidentally open and read one of its posts, you may get the feeling that you've read it before. You have. Also, the first example of Artificial Stupidity (AS) to pass the Tiring test (in which a test subject is challenged to tell the difference between having a conversation with the AS and a debilitating energy-sapping disease). Did I say AS? I meant ASS.
Thrasymachus & locdog
These two posters are always dancing around each other. That's gotta mean something, right?
Offspring: MachoDog - This Navy SEAL-trained bleeding heart will kick your ass and make you care. Secure in his own belief system he is nevertheless internally conflicted by Intelligent Design.
fatman & littlemo
Don't get ahead of me people! Wait for it......
Offspring: AdamBomb - This poster's movie poster sez "the story of the extraordinary people who changed our world." This film reenacts the Manhattan Project, the secret wartime project in New Mexico where the first atomic bombs were designed and built. Starring Paul Newman, Dwight Schultz, Bonnie Bedelia, John Cusack, and Laura Dern.
DawnCoyote & DragonTat2
These two ladies with mythical animal monikers are both sweethearts unless you say something stupid. So don't. Say something stupid that is. Plus, they've been seen hanging out together IRL, more than enough for the "If They Mated" team to fire up the old "mate-o-tron."
Offspring: MangOfLaMancha - This poster's big heart is exceeded only by her even bigger lance. She travels the world righting wrongs and correcting injustice (along with other, you know, windmill-tilting stuff). Oh, and having a little fun on the side.
butterscotch & bacon
Coincidence that these two are always near each other in any alphabetical listing of Frayerati? I think not!
Offspring: ReesesGooeyStrips - Two great tastes that taste great together!
ghost & Col-BullKurtz
Why did I pair these two wildly different posters together? Consider: combination as tautology. Not intending to sound cryptic, probably failing (conversation for another time).
Offspring: what_did_he_say - The Fray's first ruthlessly logical babbling idiot. Now with 50% more obscenities!
DrNo & YessireeBob
OK, so these two aren't seen in public together very often. But c'mon, with names like that they're just askin' for it! That gives us rocket scientist types at "If They Mated" headquarters clear license to proceed with the mating. Yes, we checked with Legal first.
Offspring: MaybeBaby - Maybe half the time you can figure out this poster's point. The rest of the time: duck and cover, baby, duck and cover!
twifferTheGnu & [Newbie To Be Named Later]
The research staff here at "If They Mated" headquarters reserves the right to engage in at least one off-the-wall pairing for no sound reason at all. This is [it] [one of them].
Offspring: twifferTheNewbie - This earnest and affable young court jester has an interesting and insightful comment to make on just about any topic, but nobody ever reads his posts because... um... who were we talking about again?
MichaelRyerson & Splendid_IREny
These posters, well-spoken and secure in their beliefs, will always respond civilly when so addressed. But they can both bring it when the chimps are down (yes, I said "chimps"... we seem to have a surplus of dressed-up monkeys wandering the Fray halls these days).
Offspring: we_shall_overcome - The very model of a modern posting liberal. I may not always agree with what this poster has to say, but damn! I want him watching my six!
the_count & Betty_the_Crow
OK, this is [the other one]. Sue me.
Offspring: count_your_chickens - This poster has mastered the art of the meaningful non-sequitur. Listen to what he says, even if it makes no sense.
IOZ & doodahman
Team Satire on the Fray. If you can't find any skewers at the local meat market for your teriyaki cookout, it's because these gentlemen have depleted the world's supply for use in their essays.
Offspring: IOwnU - Lookout! This poster is a comedic explosion of sarcasm and irony with some gratuitous profanity thrown in for good measure. IOwnU refers to himself in the third person and shows little tolerance for stupidity. Go ahead, say something stupid. You'll find his Fluffy White Boot up your lily-white ass (or ass of color as the case may be).
Bald_Tony & DemonFromHell
These two lovable mugs have their principle residences in Grouchville, USA. Anyone doubt that they hang out at the local pub/library/mall skewering hapless passersby with their barbed tongues?
Offspring: DevilMayHair - This poster is a pinpoint singularity of irascible crankiness who doesn't give a damn what other Fraysters think. Approaching DevilMayHair too closely may result in local time dilation effects making your posting engagement seeem tooo taaakkee ffooorreeeevvvveeeeerrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!! Be careful not to cross the event horizon or you'll find yourself in the mythical 10th circle of Hell being ground to paste in DevilMayHair's noisome fetid mandibles.
Dallas_NE & DarkKnight
Meh. Opposite poles (and polls). Hold your enemies closer and all that.
Offspring: OnTheFence - This coupling might one day answer the age-old question "what would happen if a resistible force met a moveable object?" Or not.
FrayGoddess & MsZilla
Who could resist this pairing? The divine Fray spirit, no doubt created by the elder gods to act as guardian of our cybersouls, and the down-to-earth IRL mom self-appointed to supervise our more prosaic Fray activities and nurture our Fray minds. Or something. Anyways, the payoff's in the name...
Offspring: GoddessZilla - This fire breathing fraymother will just as soon smite you where you stand as recommend a good movie or video game. Stay on her good side and she'll clasp you unto her bosom, but stray and she'll raze your downtown district, flattening your tanks and swatting your planes from the sky.
TheMaxFischerPlayers & The_Bell
Two of the most respected posters on the Fray, these two probably hang out together in the private suite in the back (the one with the velvet curtain guarded by the mook with the dark glasses and earpiece). Or maybe they trade cheerful hellos in the executive washroom. I wouldn't know, I'm one of the little people... [sniff].
Offspring: SavedByTheBell - The prince of extra-curricular activities, this poster will answer even the tiniest inquiry with vast tracts of text in a tremendous treatise (but eloquent... so eloquent).
Geoff & chango
Is it just me or are these guys a bit cryptic? I always open their posts but I'm often left scratching my head on the other side...
Offspring: lets_tango - This cyber cipher glides serenely in the rarified atmosphere above the Fray, occasionally alighting on a juicy post to decorate it with a delicate crystalline bon mot... or sometimes just to poop on it.
Ducadmo & historyguy
Ducadmo can puntificate on just about any topic and historyguy can quote a previous thread on it. That's enough for me!
Offspring: Duc_of_url - This poster can produce a link to any punjack in the Fray archives. And when it came to punjacks, Ducadmo than anybody...
[lieberal partisan hack] & [repuke partisan hack]
Representatives of this ilk are legion. Here I am speculating about them breeding when I should really be figuring out how to release sterilized individuals into the population to prevent it.
Offspring: SeeAndPee - No, not what your dog does on his walk, but rather "c&p", short for "copy and paste" (though the resemblance between your dog's leftovers and this poster's offerings is more than a little eerie... and now that I think about it, it does describe his MO...). This willful loon will fill the board with metric tons of blind partisan diatribe brimming with illogical strawmen and regurgitated crap, responding to the perceived political leaning of the target poster and not even tangentially to any actual points made. This poster is a force of nature and can't be reasoned with. Batten down the hatches and pray that FEMA has its shit together this time around.