19 August 2001

KFDR (((><))) Talk Radio

Just a small sample of the openings of KFDR...this was a weekly thread that we pretended was a call-in radio show.

Back in the day, we could put anything in the text box for Name, but later, we had to actually make up accounts to call in under the names we'd been using all along. Some of us had 10 nicks just for driving Dave nuts...I remember one misplaced call from someone with an incontinent turtle...

These were good times, actually. There were some boring subthreads addressing the weekly political topic, but what enchanted Moira were the seemingly incoherent conversations of illicit drugs and ice-cream...of sex in the closet, cat tacos, and naked parrots. Almost every Monday morning, we found a checkmark waiting for us.

Subject: K F D R ((((><)))) Talk Radio is
Date: Aug 19 2001 5:57PM

Good evening citizens of Kausville!
I'm Dave Phoenix your Talk Show host this evening and you are tuned to K.F.D.R. Talk Radio in Kausville.
Sometime ago I received my tax cut notice in the mail stating that my family will get a $600.00 or less refund check back, and I remembered thinking to myself: "How would $600.00 jump start the economy if it really were broken?"
Hold that thought because it leads up to tonight's question which I will pose to you after these words from our Sponsor...


Subject: Expensive power bills got you down?
From: Having trouble keeping the electricity on?
Date: Aug 19 2001 6:00PM

Like to read, but don’t want to waste the candles? Well, we’ve got just the thing for YOU!

K-ville Five-and-Dime now has Katherine Harris GLOW-IN-THE-DARK foundation.

That’s right. Plaster it on and with just 4 hours of exposure to bright light, the glow is guaranteed to last for 2 full hours. That means 2 hours of reading-light, 2 hours of eating-light, or even as it begins to dim, 2 hours of lovin-light. (Guys: If you’re prone to headaches, you may want to put a bag over her head.)

And here’s a tip we like to share - Gather up those kids, and apply this foundation on each of them. Send ‘em outside to do their yard chores. Then later, standing in a group, they will provide enough light to get those cleaning chores* done.

So come on down to the K-ville Five-and-Dime. We’ve gots pots of this stuff. And if you mention that you heard this commercial on KFDR Talk Radio with Dave Phoenix, we’ll throw in 2 free spatulas.

*CAUTION: Not intended for use during cooking. Do not stand less than 1 foot from ANY open flame or other heat source.

Subject: K F D R ((((><)))) Talk Radio
From: IS NOW ON THE AIR - with host Dave Phoenix
Date: Aug 12 2001 6:12 PM

Good evening Kausville!

You are tuned to Kausfiles Democratic Talk Radio, and I am Dave Phoenix your Talk Show host tonight.

Well...it's been a very busy week for the News Media, what with bush approving federal funding for some limited stem cell research, and tonight

I would like to hear from you the listener about this highly controversial topic, so after a brief word from our sponsor I'll be taking your calls.


Subject: HAPPY WIPES is pleased to introduce our
From: new Republican-Strength Posterior Wipes!
Date: 12 Aug 2001 18:17PM

As we are all well aware,

1. Bush broke his campaign pledge to combat global warming by lowering carbon dioxide emission standards for power plants.

2. Down in Texas, Bush has been under investigation for interfering in investigations of Service Corporation InternationaI, to include committing perjury on 20APR99 when he signed an affidavit swearing no involvement or conversations with officials concerning the investigation.

3. Now Bush has broken his campaign pledge to withhold federal funding of stem-cell research.

The Pretzledent may not realize it yet, but he’s in a world of shit. And it’s the worst kind. It’s the repuplican kind. Republicans aren’t called GOOPers for nuthin’.

Well, we’ve got something to help clean up all that GOOP.

Republican-Strength Posterior Wipes. We’ve made them extra thick and extra tough so they can take care of even the poop coming out of Bush’s ass.

The preceding message was paid for by HAPPY WIPES. We’re HAPPY to clean up after the Pretzledent.

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